Tuesday, November 6, 2012

VOTE: For Your Favorite Midfielder

In light of the spirited election going on in the USA right now, I urge you, football fans, to vote for your favorite midfielder in the world: that candidate you'd like to see in the middle of the park donning your team's colors, representing change in the lineup and signaling hope for a title. Who is that midfielder for you?

Here are your candidates:

Daniele De Rossi

Why say no when it feels so good to say yes?
The marauding midfielder Daniele De Rossi promises to patrol your midfield with the tenacity and fight of 150 lions. That's 50 times the potency of England. If your midfield is lacking a middle-class hard-worker who also brings elegance to the position, vote Daniele. A vote for Daniele is a vote for the Beard of Pride.

Cristiano Ronaldo

"I'd vote for me."
The above message has been spoken and approved by Cristiano Ronaldo. You want a fast midfielder? You got it. You want a goal scorer? You got it. You want a good looking motherf*cker? You got it. Vote for Cristiano and he'll treat you right, baby.

Andres Iniesta

Hope for tiny balding men
Unlike the previous specimen on the ballot, looks don't matter to Andres Iniesta. He urges you to consider his vote, because even though he's small, balding and holding a strange award, he's just as good as the chump above. Iniesta: better than the other guy at soccer.

Vote for me, the best Xavi.
The diminutive little big man aims to make your midfield the best in the world. He hopes to do so as the best Xavi in the world, better than those other Xavi(s). Think big, vote small: vote Xavi.

Xabi Alonso

Don't vote for that Xavi, vote for this Xabi!
He's played in the best league in the world and also won the Champions League, European Championships and World cup! He's just as good as that hack who uses a "v" instead of a "b" in his name. Priceless experience. Better looking guy. Better Xabi.

Bastian Schweinsteiger

"I am Bastian."
"I am Bastian." The robotic Munich midfield extraordinaire urges confidence and perpetual consistency in your midfield. His monotone campaign slogan is meant to mesmerize you into voting for him: "I am Bastian. I am Bastian. I am Bastian..." Germans.

Javier Zanetti

Running on education...
As a young boy, Javier Zanetti always dreamed of running a midfield. Now, as a man, he's done it. Winning the treble with Inter gave him the experience needed to make the difference in your midfield. He also believes in teaching fellow footballers how to read and will do so on your team! 1 goal education for all: vote Javier.

Steven Gerrard

Javier help with words
So you can't understand what he says?  Just vote for him anyway! The Scouse speaking, hard tackling, 30yd goal-thumping midfielder asks for your vote for a more aggressive and secure midfield. "Vhrrhte fer meh" -Steeven.  

Yaya Toure

Yeah Yeah
Vote twice! A yeah yeah for Yaya on election day 2012 could get your team a midfielder so acclaimed, he can wear huge beads around his neck without looking like a hippy! Not to mention his tenacity and skill will definitely make your team better. Vote for Yaya... Just say yeah yeah.

Paul Scholes

Vote for a wily veteran
With your vote, Sat-nav, as he's called, will furiously drag your team up from it's boot straps by using the guile and expertise gathered over a heralded career. Also he'll use the fury of his red hair. Vote for the red-headed dandy before he becomes too flustered to see.

Zinedine Zidane

Vote bald-head slick. Back from the dead.
Zizou is back. Only if you vote for him... The tactician is that candidate who is way too old to choose, but threw his hat in the ring at the disgust of the above list. Vote Zizou, because midfield's just aren't the same without him.

My vote: you guessed it, the marauding midfielder Daniele De Rossi. I elect that he stays on my team for another term. Who are you voting for?

Note: all midfielders were not listed on this ballot because I have a day job, people. So instead of being a moron and giving me a hard time about it, just suggest your candidate in the comments.

Photo Credits:
No photos are mine. All from the internet!

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