Trademark Celebratory Gestures: Cool or Tool?

Week in and week out, we see goals warranting raucus celebration from the players who score them. Certain stars have a preferred celebratory gesture they like to display to the world after netting. We're here to decide if these gestures are cool or tool. I'll judge and you can feel free to judge:

1. Andrei Arshavin Arsenal

VERDICT: TOOL

Shooshing People: Definitely tool, since most of the time all we want is for Arshavin to shut up and lean back so the other players on the bench can watch the first-team play.

2. Nani Manchester United

VERDICT: COOL

Flying: Nani's acrobatic goal celebration is definitely cool. Not only does he do the patented back flips which other stars are prone to, he also adds a little Portuguese flavor and twists in mid-air. You've got to be cool to do that.

3. Alessandro Del Piero Juventus

VERDICT: COOL

The Tongue (and Scream): Ale Del Piero's forceful tongue scream is cool for a few reasons: 1) he's the man 2) he scores great goals and 3) he deserves to wile out in a feverish manner because he's so dedicated to his side. Everytime the little captain scores, it's like his whole being explodes out of his mouth. Props to passion.

4. Kaka Real Madrid

....

Being Religious: Are you religious? If yes: cool. Are you not? If no: tool. I'm not very religious...so yeah.

5. Luca Toni Whereabouts Unknown

VERDICT: TOOL

The I'm Fu*king Crazy Ear Thing: Though Luca Toni nearly crazy eared Roma to the Scudetto a few years back, his hysterically seemingly confused crazy ear celebration is tool. It's very strange and erratic, for such a clinical stirker on his day.

6. Miroslav Klose Lazio

VERDICT: COOL

Fist Pump (Jump Optional): German hitman Miroslav Klose has had a consistently cool celebratory gesture throughout his illustrious goal-scoring career. What's better than a strong fist pump toward your fans? Nothing when you score like a madman! Even though he is a Lazio man, Klose gets the nod: cool.

7. Francesco Totti AS Roma

VERDICT: COOL

Thumb In Mouth: What did you think I was going to say? As a Romanista, I love seeing this celebration. Especially when Totti hits a penalty and stands at the spot with thumb in mouth and one finger in the air (pictured above). It's both humilating for the goalkeeper and delightful in nature, since it's for his babies!

8. Cristiano Ronaldo Real Madrid

VERDICT: TOOL

Grabbing Gods Balls or Boobs(?): It's Ronaldo, so it's tool - plain and simple. I found this celebration to be amongst the strangest out there. Granted, I haven't seen him do it in a while, it is still totally weird and deserving of a tool status.

9. Peter Crouch Stoke City

VERDICT: COOL

The Robot: Even though Crouchie doesn't show off his smooth moves after netting anymore, this was definitely a cool celebration. Who does that? Someone who's confident, buries a goal, and is a cool dude. Part of the attraction also comes from seeing a tall man dance a hilarious dance.

10. Yuto Nagatoma Inter Milan

VERDICT: COOL

Bowing Like a Gentleman: Nagatoma does not really score too much, but upon this goal, he shared a gentlemanly Japanese bow with colleague Javier Zanetti. I thoroughly enjoyed it, thus deeming it cool.

11. Alexandre Pato AC Milan

VERDICT: TOOL

Making a Heart <3: Pato, Pato, Pato...Just stop. This is the most annoying celebration in the world and I know you are better than it! Stop the tool!

12. Vincenzo Montella

VERDICT: COOL

The Airplane: Montella's trademark celebration was aeronautically sensational. Every time the little airplaner scored, he would lift off toward the sideline in celebration. It was emphatic. Bravo, Aeroplanino.

13. Ronaldo 

VERDICT: ULTIMATE COOL

Finger Wag: Brazilian legend Ronaldo's patented Finger Wag celebration was exceptional. It was as if the jovial Brazilian was shaking his hand saying "you thought I wouldn't score?? Ha ha!" This air of confidence is the definition of cool.

14. Giampaolo Pazzini Inter Milan

VERDICT: COOL

Two Fingers To Eyes: Pazzini comes off as the ultimate bro (aka tool), but his goal-scoring prowess and resulting celebration, I have to admit, is cool. He's a great finisher when on form and the two fingers to the eyes to me says "keep your eyes on me b*tches" or "cry tears babies." I like it since he can back it up so well.

15. Tim Cahill Everton

VERDICT: COOL

Corner Flag Destruction: Nothing is more exceptional for a striker of smaller stature than being able to score a majority of your goals with your head. Cahill's explosiveness and fighting nature in the box erupts at the corner flag upon scoring when he dukes it out with the inanimate object. The passion is clear and also the fact that you wouldn't want to mess with Cahill evidently results in a verdict of cool.

16. Robbie Keane LA Galaxy

VERDICT: TOOL

Somersault Cowboy: Robbie Keane's excitable somersault then gun celebration scares me. I find it weird and would run if I saw someone spinning towards me in such a manner. You're not a karate master gun-slinger or anything...just a great scorer. There's got to be something different he could do right?

17. Henrik Larsson 

VERDICT: COOL

The" O" Face (Tongue Optional): Larsson's famous "O" face will go down in history as a cool celebration. The man was simply a scorer. He scored on various different teams and popped his "O" towards the sideline without fail. Being such a reliable scorer makes Larsson's famed celebration worthy of this rating.

Mixed Feelings

Mario Balotelli Manchester City

VERDICT: COOL/TOOL

Not Celebrating: Part of me hails the contrarian actions of Balotelli following one of his usually well-taken goals as cool, but the other part believes only a tool wouldn't celebrate such a fantastic moment with and for his teammates and fans. The Balotelli enigma continues.

Alan Shearer

VERDICT: COOL/DORKY

Hand to the Sun: Shearer's famed raised hand (or pointed finger) had its moments. On one hand, it's cool, since ol' Alan was a great scorer and hero to his side in his own right. On the other hand, it's kind of dorky...it reminds me of watching your dad celebrate something. Dad did it! I guess Shearer was young once, but I only remember him old. Sorry older fans! Much respect though.  

Fabio Borini AS Roma

VERDICT: UNDECIDED

Hand Bite: The verdict is not out yet on the young, excitable Italian. His youthful vigor and goal-scoring tally is cool, but, we are left wondering what the hell he is thinking by this celebration. "Bite your hand, opposing team!" New taunt? What will these kids think of next?

Ronaldinho Flamengo

VERDICT: COOL/DORKY

The Rockstar or Call Me Ladies: Ronaldinho gets a cool and dorky nod from me because his celebration can be interpreted differently. The goofy rockstar gesture with his delightful brilliant smile is definitely dorky (that's so 90s dude). But on the other hand, Ronaldinho, the known clubber and Brazilian party-man extraordinaire, could be saying "I scored ladies....call me tonight!" That's cool I guess.

Pablo Daniel Osvaldo AS Roma

VERDICT: COOL/TOOL

Machine Gunning: Osvaldo's Machine Gunning goal celebration falls on either side of the spectrum. On one hand, it's pretty cool if you're a Roma fan, since we yearn for a consistent scorer (both guns blazing or not). On the other, he's kind of a tool. What is this a Martin Scorsese film? Keep gunning buddy.

Mirko Vucinic Outer Space

VERDICT: SPEECHLESS

Pants Off-Put On Head: I'm not entirely sure how to interpret this. Though he only does this for Montenegro, his home country, what gives? Did he lose a bet? Five times? Oh Mirko.

Well, we have a full docket here, folks. Please post your ratings in the comments sections so I can see how far off base I am!

Disclaimer: I'm sure I missed some classic trademark celebrations. So, rather than bemoaning my ignorance, why not suggest some celebratory gestures to the rest of the readers?


Note: Photos are not mine! 

Scott Parker: Why Me?

Mario Balotelli famously displayed a shirt asking "Why always me?" a few months ago. The answer is clear: because you are a moron. Scott Parker finds himself asking the same question at the moment (minus the shirt). In this instance, the answer is unknown, since Parker is a good, hard-working human.

My plea: lets not highlight the ruthless villains anymore. Instead, lets take a look at the victim, Scott Parker. Even though we all are starting to despise antagonistic players like Balotelli and Luis Suarez, what about the constant victim:

Get your eye away from my hand!

  

You missed the ball.

Accidental. Sure...

Save Scott Parker.

Mario Balotelli, Continued...

After reviewing the 2010-11 Numerous Exploits of Mario Balotelli, it seems I am poised to have a first entry on the 2011-12 review of Super Mario. See video evidence, below:



Hilarious! What a horrible back-heel try in a preparation game ahead of the arduous Premier League season! Poor Roberto Mancini - he has had to, on many occasions, play Mario's disappointed dad, as seen here through the immediate subbing out and dressing down of his troubled striker.

But why is everyone shocked? Balotelli does stuff like this all the time! What would Balotelli not do? That is the question.

Keep stirring the pot, Mario! I support your brand of comedy.

2010-11 Player Review: The Numerous Exploits of Mario Balotelli

Mario Balotelli had quite the interesting year following his switch from Inter Milan to Manchester City over the summer. The troubled 20-year-old Italian never ceases to amaze with his on and off the field antics. Lets see what Super Mario was up to:

Aug. 13, 2010: Mario Balotelli signs for Manchester City. The transfer fee was £24m. The move represents a new start for the troubled young striker, whose year's at Inter were marred with controversy. A new chapter opens in the life of Super Mario.

Sept. 25, 2011: The 20-year-old gets pulled over by police with £25,000 cash in his car...when asked why he is carrying so much money, Balotelli responds: "Because I'm rich."

Oct. 2, 2010: Balotelli and his brother drive into a women's prison. Reports state the Balotelli brothers saw the gate open and never imagined they would need a permit to drive up to the front door. After being recognized, the officers let the two off. The police commented that both seemed to be particularly intrigued by the fact that it was a women's prison. Balotelli's reasoning for the breif visit: "I told my brother: 'Do you want to see a prison?' Then I went in."

Oct. 3, 2010: Super Mario returns to Italy and flips off supporters at a match between Inter and Juventus.

Dec. 21, 2010: Balotelli named best young player in Europe and expresses extreme confusion at who his second place adversary is:
"What's his name? Wil ... ? No, I don't know him, but the next time I play against Arsenal I will keep a close eye on him. Perhaps I can show him about the Golden Boy trophy and remind him that I won it."
His name is Jack Wilshere.

Jan. 18, 2011: Super Mario takes a dig at Manchester United's Wayne Rooney, claiming: "He [Rooney] is a very good player but not the best [striker] in Manchester."

Jan. 19, 2011: Cristiano Ronaldo, jealous that Mario commands the headlines, tells Balotell to "speak less and play more."

March 10, 2011: Blades of grass cause the young Italian to be withdrawn from City's first leg knockout match with Dynamo Kiev after 57 minutes. Allergic to grass as a footballer? You might be in the wrong profession, Mario.

March 17, 2011: Balotelli struggles to put on his training bib...for about two minutes:



March 17, 2011 cont'd: Edin Dzeko makes fun of Mario Balotelli's bib problem:

You know you are foolish when a tall, awkward, doofus is making fun of you and getting laughs out of it.

March 17, 2011 cont'd: With a bib on mind, Balotelli destroys Man City's European hope by getting a straight red in the 36th minute of the second leg knockout match against Kiev, after a chest-high lunge. How did Coach Roberto Mancini react? "He [Mancini] called me an idiot. He shouted that he wished he'd never signed me." Sick burn.

March 21, 2011: Mario admits to Italian national team coach Cesare Prandelli the he "needs help" because he always ruins everything, but cares about being in La Nazionale. Aww.

March 25, 2011: While dining in a posh city centre restaurant, Balotelli notices Wayne Rooney's alleged hooker...and says hi by yelling "ROONEY, ROONEY" across the restaurant, before approaching the woman and blowing a raspberry in the face of her companion.

March 27, 2011: Balotelli throws darts at Manchester City's Youth Team players through a first floor window at the club's training complex because he is "bored." Gotta do somethin' when you're bored!

April 6, 2011: The play-maker challenges several bouncers outside of a Manchester night club, continually goading and laughing at them, until one of them hit his Maserati repeatedly with a metal torch.

April 16, 2011: Following the club's crucial win over city rivals Man Utd in the FA Cup Semifinal, Balotelli raucously celebrates in a taunting manner in front of United's faithful.

April 20, 2011: Luck strikes Balotelli at a local casino, earning him a cool £25,000, of which he gives £1,000 to a homeless man outside on the street. 

April 25, 2011: The young Italian accrues parking fines of over £10,000 for having his car impounded over 27 times. Club staff report having to retrieve Balotelli's Maserati time and again out of the impound lot, as he will "drive from his luxury apartment to a restaurant a few streets away and leave the car on double yellows," for instance.

May 8, 2011: Balotelli retracts earlier statement about Rooney:

“When I was at Inter I saw Rooney and I didn’t think he was a really, really good player. But now I see Manchester United matches properly, I think he is one of the best."

May 9, 2011: After learning an autograph seeker is being bullied, Mario drives the young lad to his school and demands a meeting with the headteacher. After discovering the bullies identity, Balotelli makes the two shake hands.

May 14, 2011: Following City's FA Cup final victory, the ever-so-tactful striker curses on live TV:

May 23, 2011: Mario baffles club officials by requesting that pet dog Lucky, a black Labrador, join him atop Manchester City's celebratory bus during the FA Cup trophy parade.

May 23, 2011: Balotelli wins City's Young Player of the Year award, but fails to show up to the ceremony, forcing Micah Richards to awkwardly accept the award on his behalf.

May 24, 2011: Balotelli and Lucky skip Man City's FA Cup trophy parade.

Season Long: Over the year, Balotelli collected fines over £300,000 and had training ground bust ups with Carlos Tevez, Jerome Boateng, and Vincent Kompany.

This explains what Roberto Mancini has dealt with this season

I'm not even making this up! Mario Balotelli is hilarious. Is anyone else waiting to see this reality TV show? All in all, I would say the young Italian is just that: young. But lets hope he continues his ridiculous antics in the future.

Mario, I'm a fan.

New Sensible Soccer Weekly Posts: Player Reviews

Now that the European season has come to a close, I will be putting out a weekly topical post reviewing the year of a player of my choosing. I will try draw from each top league around Europe, perhaps even a few players from a lone league. Some initial ideas:

The Numerous Exploits of Mario Balotelli

Francesco Totti: The King of Rome is Not Dead

Raul: Same Sh*t, Different League

Inside the Mind of What Looks Like a Child: Andrey Arshavin

Anyone have player suggestions from any other top leagues around Europe? You name it and (if it's interesting) I'll post it. Stay tuned for more from Sensible Soccer

Congratulations Are In Order

Congratulations to the city of Manchester: the city of champions!

Both Manchester teams won silverware on Saturday; Manchester United securing their record 19th English Premier League title and Manchester City lifting the FA Cup, their first trophy in 35 years. Even though these bitter city rivals despise one another, we can all agree two title triumphs on the same day in the same city is pretty sweet. Enough with the pundits who have written "United's Premier League title has marred City's victory." Give me a break! They are both basking in their trophies!

The cups:

Evra and Nani hoist the EPL balloon trophy replica - the real one will be presented at OT

Man City lift the coveted FA Cup

The player's ridiculous antics:

Rooney...oh Rooney

Tevez acting silly



Balotelli cursing on live TV after the game...gotta love him!

Kudos to the teams from Manchester and congrats to their fans.