Friday, February 17, 2012

Trademark Celebratory Gestures: Cool or Tool?

Week in and week out, we see goals warranting raucus celebration from the players who score them. Certain stars have a preferred celebratory gesture they like to display to the world after netting. We're here to decide if these gestures are cool or tool. I'll judge and you can feel free to judge:

1. Andrei Arshavin Arsenal

Shooshing People: Definitely tool, since most of the time all we want is for Arshavin to shut up and lean back so the other players on the bench can watch the first-team play.

2. Nani Manchester United

Flying: Nani's acrobatic goal celebration is definitely cool. Not only does he do the patented back flips which other stars are prone to, he also adds a little Portuguese flavor and twists in mid-air. You've got to be cool to do that.

3. Alessandro Del Piero Juventus

The Tongue (and Scream): Ale Del Piero's forceful tongue scream is cool for a few reasons: 1) he's the man 2) he scores great goals and 3) he deserves to wile out in a feverish manner because he's so dedicated to his side. Everytime the little captain scores, it's like his whole being explodes out of his mouth. Props to passion.

4. Kaka Real Madrid

Being Religious: Are you religious? If yes: cool. Are you not? If no: tool. I'm not very yeah.

5. Luca Toni Whereabouts Unknown

The I'm Fu*king Crazy Ear Thing: Though Luca Toni nearly crazy eared Roma to the Scudetto a few years back, his hysterically seemingly confused crazy ear celebration is tool. It's very strange and erratic, for such a clinical stirker on his day.

6. Miroslav Klose Lazio

Fist Pump (Jump Optional): German hitman Miroslav Klose has had a consistently cool celebratory gesture throughout his illustrious goal-scoring career. What's better than a strong fist pump toward your fans? Nothing when you score like a madman! Even though he is a Lazio man, Klose gets the nod: cool.

7. Francesco Totti AS Roma

Thumb In Mouth: What did you think I was going to say? As a Romanista, I love seeing this celebration. Especially when Totti hits a penalty and stands at the spot with thumb in mouth and one finger in the air (pictured above). It's both humilating for the goalkeeper and delightful in nature, since it's for his babies!

8. Cristiano Ronaldo Real Madrid

Grabbing Gods Balls or Boobs(?): It's Ronaldo, so it's tool - plain and simple. I found this celebration to be amongst the strangest out there. Granted, I haven't seen him do it in a while, it is still totally weird and deserving of a tool status.

9. Peter Crouch Stoke City

The Robot: Even though Crouchie doesn't show off his smooth moves after netting anymore, this was definitely a cool celebration. Who does that? Someone who's confident, buries a goal, and is a cool dude. Part of the attraction also comes from seeing a tall man dance a hilarious dance.

10. Yuto Nagatoma Inter Milan

Bowing Like a Gentleman: Nagatoma does not really score too much, but upon this goal, he shared a gentlemanly Japanese bow with colleague Javier Zanetti. I thoroughly enjoyed it, thus deeming it cool.

11. Alexandre Pato AC Milan

Making a Heart <3: Pato, Pato, Pato...Just stop. This is the most annoying celebration in the world and I know you are better than it! Stop the tool!

12. Vincenzo Montella

The Airplane: Montella's trademark celebration was aeronautically sensational. Every time the little airplaner scored, he would lift off toward the sideline in celebration. It was emphatic. Bravo, Aeroplanino.

13. Ronaldo 

Finger Wag: Brazilian legend Ronaldo's patented Finger Wag celebration was exceptional. It was as if the jovial Brazilian was shaking his hand saying "you thought I wouldn't score?? Ha ha!" This air of confidence is the definition of cool.

14. Giampaolo Pazzini Inter Milan

Two Fingers To Eyes: Pazzini comes off as the ultimate bro (aka tool), but his goal-scoring prowess and resulting celebration, I have to admit, is cool. He's a great finisher when on form and the two fingers to the eyes to me says "keep your eyes on me b*tches" or "cry tears babies." I like it since he can back it up so well.

15. Tim Cahill Everton

Corner Flag Destruction: Nothing is more exceptional for a striker of smaller stature than being able to score a majority of your goals with your head. Cahill's explosiveness and fighting nature in the box erupts at the corner flag upon scoring when he dukes it out with the inanimate object. The passion is clear and also the fact that you wouldn't want to mess with Cahill evidently results in a verdict of cool.

16. Robbie Keane LA Galaxy

Somersault Cowboy: Robbie Keane's excitable somersault then gun celebration scares me. I find it weird and would run if I saw someone spinning towards me in such a manner. You're not a karate master gun-slinger or anything...just a great scorer. There's got to be something different he could do right?

17. Henrik Larsson 

The" O" Face (Tongue Optional): Larsson's famous "O" face will go down in history as a cool celebration. The man was simply a scorer. He scored on various different teams and popped his "O" towards the sideline without fail. Being such a reliable scorer makes Larsson's famed celebration worthy of this rating.

Mixed Feelings

Mario Balotelli Manchester City

Not Celebrating: Part of me hails the contrarian actions of Balotelli following one of his usually well-taken goals as cool, but the other part believes only a tool wouldn't celebrate such a fantastic moment with and for his teammates and fans. The Balotelli enigma continues.

Alan Shearer

Hand to the Sun: Shearer's famed raised hand (or pointed finger) had its moments. On one hand, it's cool, since ol' Alan was a great scorer and hero to his side in his own right. On the other hand, it's kind of reminds me of watching your dad celebrate something. Dad did it! I guess Shearer was young once, but I only remember him old. Sorry older fans! Much respect though.  

Fabio Borini AS Roma

Hand Bite: The verdict is not out yet on the young, excitable Italian. His youthful vigor and goal-scoring tally is cool, but, we are left wondering what the hell he is thinking by this celebration. "Bite your hand, opposing team!" New taunt? What will these kids think of next?

Ronaldinho Flamengo

The Rockstar or Call Me Ladies: Ronaldinho gets a cool and dorky nod from me because his celebration can be interpreted differently. The goofy rockstar gesture with his delightful brilliant smile is definitely dorky (that's so 90s dude). But on the other hand, Ronaldinho, the known clubber and Brazilian party-man extraordinaire, could be saying "I scored me tonight!" That's cool I guess.

Pablo Daniel Osvaldo AS Roma

Machine Gunning: Osvaldo's Machine Gunning goal celebration falls on either side of the spectrum. On one hand, it's pretty cool if you're a Roma fan, since we yearn for a consistent scorer (both guns blazing or not). On the other, he's kind of a tool. What is this a Martin Scorsese film? Keep gunning buddy.

Mirko Vucinic Outer Space

Pants Off-Put On Head: I'm not entirely sure how to interpret this. Though he only does this for Montenegro, his home country, what gives? Did he lose a bet? Five times? Oh Mirko.

Well, we have a full docket here, folks. Please post your ratings in the comments sections so I can see how far off base I am!

Disclaimer: I'm sure I missed some classic trademark celebrations. So, rather than bemoaning my ignorance, why not suggest some celebratory gestures to the rest of the readers?

Note: Photos are not mine! 


  1. This is awesome. Thanks for putting it together.

  2. Great work but R10 celebration is the best, i love kaka celebration and im an athiest, and i thought pazzini celebration was rude.. you know.. licking a cnt.. lol :D

  3. Great work but R10 celebration is the best, i love kaka celebration and im an athiest, and i thought pazzini celebration was rude.. you know.. licking a cnt.. lol :D